Reflection On Revisions

Samantha Thuotte

Gaurino

9th April 2013

 Reflection

           

When revising my paper there were many things I already knew I needed to work on. I constantly have repetitive language and sentences. In order to get my point across instead of using "this ad" or "these ads" I used things like “the picture.” I needed to work on expressing my thoughts without the wishy washy language so that is something I have edited. I took out sentences and words that didn’t make sense and added more clear language to my paragraphs. I needed to work on my descriptions of the people in my ad and be more specific which I feel I did. The only things I still need more work on is my word count because I’m still 100 words behind but I feel like I’ve said all that I need to without having too much in each  of my sentences. My topic and ending sentences lacked in the fact that they didn’t recap or explain what my paragraph was going to be about.  I tried to emphasize on my topic sentence and recap with my ending sentence that made the paragraph make sense. I think I’ll need more feedback on what more to add and anything else that doesn’t make any sense. I have read my paper aloud and it seems to make sense but feedback from one of my peers would make it easier to understand.

Essay Revision Choice

I choose to rewrite my argumentative essay for the reason that I feel I can do so much better on expressing my argument. My ad was especially hard because it could be perceived in so many ways and that’s why it was a hard essay to write. I am hoping to rewrite my essay so that my argument is fully understandable and people can understand my argument reading it the first time around. That was a problem I came to when first writing my essay because I have much to say but I cannot narrow it done into proper sentences and sometimes I drift from one thought to another without explaining my ideas. Though there is not much to my ad, I need to focus on explaining and describing it more because that is something I lacked the first time around. My transitioning from paragraph to paragraph is something I will also work on because my transitions were weak and didn’t fully express my final thought about the paragraph in the last sentence. Repetition is something I found I did way to much in this essay so I will have to go in and edit my sentences so they do not sound like the sentence before each other. The last thing I hope to improve on is my grammar and spelling errors throughout the essay. I found I have a lot of “dumb” errors which is due to not reading my work out loud when complete. I feel I should edit this essay because I took the feedback I got and was able to show the techniques I learned through the Rhetorical Analysis essay and I believe I did better on that one then  I did my first.

Save the Ivory

                When you think of an elephant what may come to mind is something like a circus show or even a simple peanut. What you may not know is that thousands of innocent elephants a year are being brutally murdered in Africa just for their ivory.  In the New York Times article “Death in the Forest” the unknown author discusses the increasing number of elephants dying per year due to the high demand in Asia for their ivory. African “smugglers” kill these elephants and sneak the ivory out through loopholes into the countries of Asia. These loopholes connect to many markets. The article then goes on to note that the prime minister of Thailand, Yingluck Shinawatra, has made a stand to close loopholes surrounding the country of Thailand so African smugglers can no longer have access to the country. With that said, the article was published to spread the message worldwide to stop this crime. This piece is convincing due to the factual evidence and statistics given, although it lacks in personal opinion and therefore the reader does not feel moved to action upon reading this article.

            This piece would make an animal/elephant lover make a stand immediately due to its factual evidence such as its numbers and statistics. This is the logos appeal that shows the logical way someone could feel with this issue.  With thousands in decrease of the lives of these elephants, it would be extremely hard for it to go unnoticed.  The author gives the whole entire story of what has been going on for decades within one article and the most important factual information anyone would need to be convinced this crime has to be stopped.  The anonymous author notes that, “This increased demand has driven the price of ivory to as high as $1,000 a pound in Beijing, marketing life profitable for Africa’s ruthlessly bold poachers and creating a voracious and largely illegal ivory trade,” Not only does the author let us know it was illegal but he tells us how it’s affecting not only the lives of those who kill the elephants but of those who are practically living off this ivory exchange to be able to live their lives as well. When there doesn’t seem like there is any help the author tells us about Thailand’s prime minister, and how he is taking a stand on this situation. The prime minister was taking a stand and the author writing about it, may convince anyone else to take a stand as well.

While the author does give a lot of convincing factual information he lacks in purposing his own opinions which makes this piece so factual it may push people away from reading it. Anyone reading this piece would love to know the facts about what’s going on in the world especially if innocent animals are being killed for something they cannot control. People would also like to have the emotional/pathos appeal as well. This is what the piece needs to become more convincing. Having the facts right in front of you would be an easy way to determine your stand on the issue, but what about the people who need more than just facts and more on the opinions of other people’s stand on the issue? The author does not have any opinionated sentences in his piece except for his last paragraph, “A world that can probably do little to diminish China’s appetite for ivory had to do everything it can to stop feeding it,” which happens to be his thesis and his only opinionated sentence throughout the whole piece. Not once while talking about the situation and what is going on does the author ever present his emotion and or feeling towards the situation. While reading this, it is very easy to say that the author is putting out the piece to get a message across but has no stand on the issue. Not having opinions I feel will push readers away from the issue due to just how much factual evidence there really is. If it’s just all facts it may encourage the reader to learn about the situation and stop there, so that no stand will be taken but just information will be learned.

            While analyzing the “Death in the Forests” article I was shocked to see how many elephants are dying each year due to this outrageous demand for ivory through the continent of Asia. The author calls to an action without an actual action being brought up and what we can do to prevent the issue. This article would have been more convincing if the other actual mentioned some actions that could possibly be taken. For example what can American’s do to help these massacre killings happening in the world. Innocent gentle giants are being killed by the thousands and sooner or later the continent of Africa will no longer have an elephant population.

Kohn Evaluation

Alfie Kohn's piece "The Dangerous Myth of Grade Inflation" I believe is sound due to him accurately opposing his oppostions fallicies. He specifically describes fallacies following the myths with grade inflation. He gives information which he has gotten through actual facts and then follows this information with his own infromation in which he found himself. The SAT issue which has always been an issue with me comes up and this is where I found Kohn's piece most interesting. "Even if one believes that the SAT is a valid and valuable exam, however, the claim that scores are dropping is a poor basis for the assertion that grades are too high. First, it is difficult to argue that a standardized test taken in high school and grades for college course work are measuring the same thing. Second, changes in aggregate SAT scores mostly reflect the proportion of the eligible population that has chosen to take the test." Here he puts out that highschool SATs are not relevant to those of college grades. I do believe how you learned high school should reflect in college courses but I do not think they should be mixed. "Finally, they report that more states are adding high-school graduation tests and even standardized exams for admission to public universities. Yet that trend can be explained by political factors and offers no evidence of an objective decline in students' proficiency. For instance, scores on the National Assessment of Educational Progress, known as "the nation's report card" on elementary and secondary schooling, have shown very little change over the past couple of decades, and most of the change that has occurred has been for the better." I also agree with this statement as well. The students test is supposively being improved yet they are seeing no changes. Being a college student this doesnt seem appealing and would discourage people from going to a public university. I believe Kohn stated facts and he backed it up with his own words and data. His argument is sound due to the fact he was able to pull out opposing fallacies and back them up with his own evidence.

Beauty is in The Eyes of The Beholder

Samantha Thuotte

Gaurino

ENG 112

26th February 2013

Beauty is in the Eyes of the Beholder

Ads for products are created simply to get the news out and to let people get a good look at what the product can offer. These ads have been around for years and they are the only way people are finding out about that product. Although, sometimes these ads were put out for the appeal to make people want to purchase that particular product. These ads can be funny and very appealing, while others can turn people off right from the start. Each ad has a story or joke behind it but in order to actually see it you analyze. Either way an ad is going to get someone’s attention. I chose to analyze this one ad for an optometrist company that first caught my eye because I had thought it had held some type of joke. The ad has a very attractive girl who stands next to a man, shorter than her, modern, nerdy and who anyone would think she would never glance at twice. I had many thoughts and questions such as when you look at someone what is the first thing you see and or notice. My thought was what does this mean? Does it mean attractive woman need their eyes checked or that nerdy little man needs his checked?  It’s an ugly man with a pretty girl what could this possibly be selling? In perspective this ad is just simply implying that beauty is in the eye of the beholder and they will see people however they choose too.

            This ad is coming from an optometrist office my first thought was that its encouraging people to get their eyes checked or else you will end up with someone who you normally wouldn’t be with.  But it was more than that; it was to encourage people to look for the real person behind their actual looks. Beauty can’t be found by just looking at someone.  It’s not every day you see a very attractive Barbie doll looking woman standing up on a man who is completely out of her league. She doesn’t seem to look like she feels out of place in fact she seems to enjoy standing next to this man. In my opinion she was selling sexuality and how it can be used to keep the focus on her. Although, this ad can catch the attention positively to any person who does not have that high of self-esteem, the woman shows beauty is skin deep in doesn’t matter what people look like.  The woman in this ad stands out as a woman, who doesn’t judge people on their looks and she would inspire anyone to look deep into someone and see them for who they really are. Beauty is skin deep.

The man in this ad can be an inspiration to those who are not confident men and woman; this shorty nerdy man shows that looks aren’t everything. He is a normal man who is in average clothes and doesn’t seem like he really offers much. It can also encourage woman who may have all the looks, to look past someone’s outside features and to look beneath that. He can encourage any person to chase after what they want and to not worry about what they look like. Looks aren’t everything and this man clearly proves that.

 The ad shows that how you look doesn’t matter and that beauty is one seen how you choose. You can choose to see someone as a very attractive individual or you can see someone as a dorky individual, either way you will view someone as you want to see them. The beauty is only based on what you want to see not what everyone else sees. In order to view someone who can look past their flaws and look into them and find something you may actually like about the person.

            The next time you look at someone take my analysis and really look at them, but not at what they look like on the outside. Beauty is skin deep and is in the eyes of the beholder. You need to get to know someone before you actually can judge them. Looks are not everything and this ad has made this clear. Not only is this ad somewhat of an un-normal social norm, its inspirational to anyone who feels that looks are everything. This ad proves beauty is skin deep and is in the eyes of the beholder, you see people for who they are not what they look like.

Gun Control vs The People of the US

.Our country has been stopped in its tracks over the last two months. The school shooting that happened at Sandy Hook Elementary School in December was the start to this fight on gun control. Although we have all the proper facts to what happened the pictures that have risen during and since the shooting are what I think has affected people the most. The pictures do show logos and how the reality of damage that has been done. This can help influence the people to get a better grip and gain a better knowledge about gun control. Not only do these photos show the effects, but they can make people feel the pain and suffrage everyone who was involved have felt. It’s pretty amazing how a country can come together at a time like that and even the President expressed his sympathy during the week span of the shooting. One question is what these photos are actually trying to get across to the people. I feel as though with the facts and the pictures of the facts, it may be hard to look at them and not be able to feel some sort of way when looking at each picture. For example, Victoria Soto sister's photo was taken the day of the shooting. It shows her outside on the phone screaming and crying. On the logos side it shows how badly it is affecting people at that very moment. This photo can be used against gun control with a caption such as " Gun Control: Do we need another loss for an innocent man or woman?" Though, the picture attracts the pathos side. A young woman crying, and screaming for her sister isn’t something you see every day in adults. You really aren’t going to take the facts but take in the picture and won't be able to be affected by it. Its hard when looking at photos from this day to be able to sit and acknowledge facts when you get the feelings of those people on that specific day. Its a hard card to be dealt with.

Obama's Anauguration Speech 2013

Once Obama was sworn in, he looked towards his family then kissed them and proceeded on. Obama looks directly into the crowd and thanks everyone for all the love and support they are showing. There thousands of people who came to in support to Obama. He paused a bunch of times to show his seriousness and gave the look of seriousness.

Memorable Quotes:
-"America will remain the anchor of strong alliances in every corner of the globe." Meaning: We will remain in the good place we are where almost every country has trust in us.

- "We cannot mistake absolutism for principle or substitute for polictics, or treat name calling as a debate."
We need to settle things correctly in order to make in progress in this country. We need to be smart about things.

Thesis Statement- Although some of those do not agree with Obama and his ways, today he has shown us that not onle will he never give up on this country but he will do anything he can to make this country a better place.